A friend of mine committed suicide a few days ago.
I know I have things that I owe, but I just need some time. I can't help the sadness right now...I feel terrible for more than one reason...a couple days before the incident I had joked with some others that funerals are frequent in and around my family...and then this. I know it has absolutely no relation to what happened, but I still feel so guilty...
He was such a sweet and amazing man...not to mention that he was a very important man in a community which I won't name...it was completely unexpected...but I noticed that the last few times I'd seen him he appeared progressively more sad...I haven't seen him in a while...I just don't know...I really liked him...shamefully so...
I know...this hasnothing to do with DeviantArt either but...I just don't feel like coming here...hah, it's a bit weird, but I would rather keep to myself for a while...between my new job, old job, and woman, I will keep distracted...or at least try...I just feel so bad...my mother is such a terrible person...the things she says, where her priorities lie...she keeps bringing him up... acting as if she understands what he went through, as if she knows anything about depression, suffering or why someone would commit suicide...but she's wrong...she doesn't understand...
I just can't handle people right now...if they don't make me sad, chances are they make me irritable...if not irritable then jaded...
I just don't feel comfortable trying to be social or comforting to others...I don't think I can convey myself as much as I would wish to...such serious topics always taken so lightly...
Pain...depression...suffering...suicide...such is life...I just hate the dramas of DeviantArt, everywhere you look...it's so unpleasant...it's no one's fault, these feelings can be soothedbut not easily helped...right now, I can't be of any stable assistance...this case hits a little too close to the heart...I hadn't know and there was nothing I could do...but I still feel like there was...and I missed it somehow...I don't blame myself, there is no way that I could...just ill timing for an ill-mannered joke...
I just wish...that these topics weren't taken so lightly...so few of you actually know what half the things you say really mean...or at least not the full extent...my mother is such a hearless self-centered woman...the only thing she cares about is how the ending of his life will help her return to that community of people...she doesn't actually care that he died...to her it is a convenience...I despise her...I can't believe her...his death...is so much more...he was a respectable man...honest and kindhearted...
So I am very sorry...I will provide what I owe...but not right now...I don't know when...but I will do what I have promised...
I just need some time...
Please forgive me...
I'm sorry...
I'm not looking for any condolences...so please don't...